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Being the Master of My Life

After all these years, I have learned to be the master of my life, of who I am. Never do I want to be the master of someone else. You see, I have discovered the art of how to love and to be loved in return. This makes me complete. (From the CD Compassion: The Way of the Master by Veeresh)

The first time I met Osho, in 1974, I expected Him, as a Master, to have superhuman powers. In fact He was totally human, warm, enjoying everybody. I fell in love with Him – His way of laughing, His way of moving, the answers He was giving. As I was leaving He gave me a white robe and said, “Dye it deep red; that will be good for your meditation.” That was His first gift to me.
One Guru Purnima Day in Pune, as Osho was sitting at the front gate He said to me, “Veeresh, come sit next to me.” I was shocked. I wasn’t open to the invitation and said, “No, thank you.”
Another time, I had a toothache and went to the best dentist available in Pune, who was also Osho’s dentist. He hit a nerve, and I jumped because it hurt. He did an Indian head-shake and said, “It hurts Osho too!” That made me realize He’s not somebody who’s above pain.
As one of Osho’s guards died of a brain hemorrhage, He said that if He had known of his weakness He would not have put him in such a stressful situation. Then I got it again: He’s just like all of us; He needs information. The more Osho revealed His humanness, His fallibility, the more I started to appreciate Him as a person.
Over the years He was constantly offering me his friendship, and I would feel that it was too much, that I wasn’t worthy; I needed to prove something first. Then I would be given the right to sit next to Him, or be in the front row, or I would be able to receive His gifts.
Once in Rajneeshpuram I got called into Sheela’s office. She said, “Osho has declared you a Sambuddha. That means you’re enlightened.” All this recognition… He was just saying over and over, “I love you.” That was so difficult for me to accept.
Slowly, with His overwhelming love, I started to appreciate Him and what He was giving me. He looked to me like a superhuman being, but He was the most beautiful man that I ever met, and He demonstrated constantly that He loved me.
One day I wrote a letter saying that I wanted to interview Him because the Humaniversity had a newspaper. That was just an excuse to be close to Him. He sent back a message that He wasn’t talking any more because He had had all His teeth removed, but I could have a photo session. During the session I was so happy; I was overwhelmed. When they were changing the cameras, He asked about my health. I looked incredulously at Him and said, “My health? I’m doing very well. How are you?” I had heard He was not well, and He looked pale.
I was standing next to Him, and He reached out with His left hand. I held it and thought to myself. “Here’s my opportunity.” I took the risk and started to kiss His hand over and over. My tears were all over it, so I grabbed a sleeve of my robe and tried to clean them off. He started to laugh, and I laughed, and He laughed and…wow! I had an experience of what they call shaktipat: He overwhelmed me with His love and His laughter. I got completely lost. I had never felt so much bliss, looking into His eyes.

I realized I was squeezing His hand, and yet He just kept looking at me with so much love. That was such a treasure, such a gift in my life to be so close to Him and tell Him I love Him. He was my Master – He’ll always be my Master – and at that moment He also became my friend. I wanted to say, “If you’re not all right, stay with me. You don’t have to go out there and play Superman for everybody.” I wanted to take care of Him too, to thank Him for taking care of me.
I have come to love and appreciate Osho more and more. I once told Him, “When I grow up, I want to be just like you.” I didn’t mean a carbon copy of Him; I was talking about His unconditional love, His care, His awareness, His constant efforts to free up all of us, insisting that we find our own way. He begs us to be aware, telling us that we have to see who we really are. He asks us to use Him up to a point, but then to do our own trip. The whole process is an incredible journey.
I feel nobody has ever cared so much for me, in that special way that He has. He has always wanted the best for me. As a result, today I am the best in my heart. Despite all my doubts, all my fears, all those things that happened, I’m home, I’m free. You can call it being the master of my life… I do my thing.
He once told me, ”If anything or anybody gets in the way of what you in your heart believe, don’t compromise. Be willing to die for your position.” So I’m ready to give everything, but if I feel in my heart that it’s wrong for me, I won’t do it! That’s another way of looking at freedom.
I once asked myself, “What do I want to be written on my gravestone?” The only thing I could come up with was: Veeresh: A Man of Osho. He loved and was loved by many. I thought that would be really cool. It’s true also. I think He’d say, “Very good, Veeresh.”
Now that Osho is not in the body anymore I feel a greater sense of responsibility. I’ve been listening to Him talk for years, and now I feel I have to carry out what He was talking about. That’s what He expected of all His sannyasins. I feel a deep necessity to really give in my work; there’s no time to waste.
I want everybody I work with, also the Tan-Jus, the teenagers here (at the Humaniversity), to change, to grow up and be beautiful. I give them what I think, what I feel, who I am. As a teacher I have a great responsibility to share my heart with them, so they can find their own Master inside one day.
I remember a beautiful story Osho told: When Buddha died he went to heaven, and he stopped at the front gate. All the angels were ready to welcome him, to jubilate and celebrate that he was coming in, and God was waiting… And he said, “I can’t go in now. I have to first wait until everyone else has passed through these gates.” All the angels cried because they were overwhelmed with his compassion. I see Osho like that: He wants all His people to go through. I also want the same thing.
Osho has this vision that 200 years from now, everyone will be able to appreciate what He’s been doing. When people walk in the main gate of the Resort, immediately they will move into the vertical plane, and the energy of the place will enlighten everybody. I see the same thing happening at the Humaniversity. I see us as the support team for the Resort, and that in two hundred years time we’ll still be supporting them, still be doing Osho’s work, making sure everyone goes through that gate: “Come on, you can do it: Hurry up!”
Osho said He wanted the Humaniversity to be officially affiliated with the Resort – not for us to feel restricted, but that He wanted us to be connected. I thought to myself, “If I were in His position and had to choose someone to support the work in Pune, of course it would be me!” I’ll do all I can to promote His work and accomplish what He wanted.
Osho Humaniversity is a School for Masters.. In the beginning we have to do a lot of therapy, change the negative behavior first. But finally, we are a meditation school: Who are you? When you look deep inside, you will find that you are a lovable human being. “Your behavior might be strange; your judgments and mental mind-fucks get in the way; your relationships can be improved; your sexuality is a little bit dysfunctional; you wish you could have had other parents…” But your foundation as a human being is: you are perfect just the way you are. Everyone is a master. It is just that a lot of doubts and conditioning gets in the way.
Our job here is to free people up to be themselves. I want everyone to develop their total human ability - everyone is unique. That’s the basis of being a Master. Once your awareness has grown enough, then give and share your love!” The world needs that!.
http://www.humaniversity.nl

This article first appeared in Viha Connection magazine

Tags: Discussion, Meditation/Spiritual by sannyasnews
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Prologue

I first looked at Unmani’s website back in the spring while she was in Australia. Despite having looked at the websites of lots of non-duality teachers, I noticed an immediate, inexplicably magnetic ‘familiarity’ in this one. I just knew I was to go to one of the London meetings as soon as she returned. It couldn’t happen soon enough. Parallel to this knowing, there was fear. Something beyond the mind’s control was going to pierce its shell of defences. That fear resurfaced upon meeting Unmani - even though she herself is perfectly unassuming, without affectation and has a great sense of humour.

Next day I got an ‘out of the blue’ e-mail from an old friend who’d moved to Australia. She mentioned how she and her partner had been going to Unmani’s meetings in Byron Bay - had even invited her over for lunch and for a walk in the ‘bush’. This was a strong recommendation, as I knew them both to be very non-starry-eyed travelers on ‘the path.’

Fast-forward to my second meeting. The usual ‘speaker-audience’ room layout was now replaced by having two seats inclined to each other at the front, so a more intimate one-to-one dialogue could happen. One such - with a woman we will call Barbara - emanated such a phenomenal radiance of raw, vulnerable innocence that I was convinced they must have met a few times before. (To my astonishment, in later conversation over a café table, Barbara revealed this was her first meeting with Unmani.)
In a certain moment my gaze lifted from the carpet where ‘the character Steve’ had been nervously seeking refuge, to find Unmani looking directly at me - or rather, into me. Right in that instant, came a pristine recognition of that same childlike innocence that had shown itself with her and Barbara. Separation dissolved and there was only pure, infinite Being, looking at itself in a mirror. Words did follow, in a meaningful dialogue, but I knew inside, that recognition was beyond any words and way beyond a temporal experience.

Not long afterwards, the following interview took place at a girls’ grammar school in September 2008, where Unmani does her ‘day job’ as a Projects Coordinator.

‘You are already that’- but is an existential crisis useful?

In your autobiography you speak very candidly about a degree of emotional desperation that preceded your going to see the female teacher in India, who seemed to be a catalyst for your awakening episode. Although non-duality points to the fact that we are already whole and perfect, that nothing needs to be done to achieve this, in practice a number of teachers have reported a long search ‘softening up’ the ego, including sometimes a ‘dark night of the soul.’ Would you say with hindsight that was a pivotal factor for you?

In a way I could say that my story is different from a lot of people’s. It seems that for many teachers, they were searching; went through a tragic time; then had some dramatic awakening experience. Whereas for me, it wasn’t dramatic at all.

First of all, I always knew this, even as a very young child. But I didn’t have the courage to say it - or even to think it. Instead I felt there was something wrong with me for being different. People would ask me in primary school, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ I didn’t know, because I didn’t feel there was anyone ‘in here’ to have any preference. That was blatantly obvious to me as a child. So I felt very lost. ‘Everyone else seems to have an identity and I don’t!’ I felt very confused, depressed, and lost. This fuelled the search, looking for something - but I couldn’t have told you what. I just knew there was something wrong. You could say I was searching for the same kind of identity which everyone else seemed to have.

Having spent some time in India, eventually I went to see a female teacher – ‘D’ (who used to be with Osho for many years, and then went to Papaji and ‘woke up’). She calls herself a Zen master. At the time I found her very strong and quite scary!
First of all ‘D’ said ‘You can only come to me if you’re ready to die.’ I really sensed that this was ‘it’ for me. I wasn’t going to go to just ‘test the water.’ I was feeling pretty suicidal by that stage. Searching for an ‘identity’ that I couldn’t find. So I plucked up the courage and wrote to her and said ‘I think I’m ready to die.’ I waited several days for her response in great suspense, but when she did respond, all she wrote was, ‘ Write to me when you are sure you are ready to die.’ Ahh!! This sent me reeling and forced me to really see that I had no choice but to really jump into this totally. I couldn’t just go to her and then hold back, waiting for something more to come and save me. Finally I wrote back to her with ‘I’m sure I’m ready to die’ and so she invited me to spend a very intensive month with her. After a few days of confusion, I realized that what ‘D’ was expressing was what I have always really known, but had been too afraid to admit. This knowing (or, in fact, not-knowing) was apparently what everyone else was searching to realize, but this had always been obvious to me. Meeting ‘D’ was a terrifying but wonderful confirmation. It was such a relief, but wasn’t some kind of dramatic experience. Then after that, it was just building up more and more courage - to really admit it and live it. It took some years before I started expressing this.

Can you say something about your decision to start teaching - was it a decision made by you, by no one, suddenly or gradual?

Well, after being with ‘D’ I continued traveling around India, but didn’t know what to do anymore because I had no more motivation to seek. All motivation to ‘find myself’ was stripped away. I just travelled around having fun and had no idea that I would eventually end up teaching. I spent a couple of years in Australia, and then returned to England.
During that time I occasionally got into conversations with other seekers and tried to persuade them to agree with how I was seeing things. It just ended disastrously every time. I felt sickened by the way I was expressing it. It felt totally wrong and awful - like I was talking about some conceptual belief system. Inevitably this provoked all kinds of reactions… ranging from aggression to debate about this ‘philosophical idea’. I knew that was so far from what I was trying to express - but I didn’t know how. So after a while I got so sickened and stopped. If someone mentioned anything about ‘seeking’ I would just keep quiet or walk away.
Then a couple of years later I started writing, what would become, my first book, ‘I am Life itself’. I was writing just for myself as a kind of rebellious expression. Through writing, the courage to express beyond words became more obvious. While the book was being published, which took some time, a friend suggested I hold a satsang meeting in her living room. I laughed at the idea, thinking ‘I’ve got nothing to say!’ And another friend suggested ‘Well if you’ve got nothing to say, just sit there - don’t say anything.’ So that’s what I did.

At the first meeting there were four people - which felt ridiculous because three were my friends and the fourth was the woman whose house it was! (laughter). It felt surreal, absolutely ridiculous - I just wanted to laugh. But at the same time, it felt so right. I sat there, waiting until I had something to say, which is in fact the same thing I do now in meetings. That was the first time I noticed a certain energy happening. It’s difficult to explain, but with that intention of ‘speaking the truth’, or speaking from what is’ something settles and relaxes. People pick up on that. I’ve noticed, all the time I’ve been doing these talks - about five years now - that energy has become quite tangible. Quite a strong energy in the room - and somehow this that I point to - which doesn’t come and go like this energy does - comes through that energy as well as the words spoken, but is also beyond the energy and words.

Relationship to ‘ordinary work’.

I guess there can arise for me, a fear that without an identity I’d be lost - I wouldn’t be able to function in a world that places so much emphasis on identification with one’s status or role. How does what you’ve gone through affect the way you approach ‘the day job’?

Well, you’ve come to see me here in a workplace where I totally function - and actually it works very well. In fact I’d say you can function a lot easier than if you were identified because you’re not worrying so much about if you’re doing things right or wrong. It’s much more of a natural flow….It’s really like simply watching a 3-D movie - in fact its more than 3-D, because you’re feeling it as well. The difference now is that before, I was much more self-obsessed. ‘Have I got it right, done it right? Previously I was also looking to find fulfillment in work. Part of my earlier search wasn’t only spiritual but to find the perfect profession. My dad’s a doctor and my mother’s a headmistress - and my sister is a doctor as well. So I’ve very much been the black sheep. I finished school and went travelling - which you’re not supposed to do in my family. I did an archeology degree in Israel - only to keep my parents happy. I sold jewelry in a market. Also in India, I sold jewelry in markets while I travelled. In Israel I had a few temporary jobs. In Australia I also sold jewelry…

(Suddenly noticing her metal necklace) I can see you have good taste in jewelry.

It’s funny because then, the identity which I was hoping to maintain was as this hippie traveller of no fixed abode, job or anything. But now I don’t even need that identity, so I can work in a ‘proper job’ and it doesn’t affect who I am. It gives the freedom to work in a normal job, to do the most mundane tasks. I’m not looking for fulfillment in my job or anywhere else any more. Before this job (Project Coordinator) I was an admin person - cutting paper, sticking things, photocopying, etc.- I was very happy doing that too.

Perfection, or room for improvement? Intentional effort

A criticism I’ve sometimes heard of the ‘non-duality’ view wherein ‘there’s nothing to do- no meditation or other methods’ (not to mention the concept of Pre-destiny) is that this could encourage passivity and apathy. For a type-A, high achieving person that could be a useful re-balancing. But for someone who is already not very strong-willed, shies away from decision-making etc, isn’t there a risk of becoming a kind of Advaitan vegetable- of acquiring a false sense of security?

I find it’s not necessarily that, but they could get depressed by the concept of ‘non-duality’. They could hear it as, there being nothing to do, so they may as well stay at home, not go out. ‘May as well kill myself!’ It can be as dark as that. Well that’s because they’re only hearing it as a concept. Of course it’s not a concept - and that’s the problem with anything - any word that is spoken, can be misinterpreted. That word ‘non-duality’ doesn’t mean anything. Any word is wrong- you can’t actually express what we’re talking about here.

So how can people get to it then?

So there are two things I want to answer here. The first is that non-duality cannot be expressed at all - ever. No way. What happens in meetings is an expression happening in it. There is an expression, from it, of it, as it. But it’s only really heard in a recognition. It’s not heard or understood mentally. A conceptual understanding has nothing to do with this message.

So can you say something more about this recognition?

Well actually no - that’s the point! (laughter) This is recognized or not. Nothing is required of a person in order to recognize this. BUT I notice that often when people are at the end of their tether - ready to die, basically; have had enough of searching for pain relief, or for pleasure - for these experiences that come and go - they’re ready to see what is beyond all of that…

- When they’re receptive.

Yeah. If you’re still trying to put this into a conceptual box and say ‘This is it, this means that I’m now special, I’m going to have experiences of love and peace, it’s all going to be wonderful now’- it’s not going to fit into any of those boxes. It’s also not going to mean you’ll never experience pain again. It doesn’t fit into any concept of what you may think ‘enlightenment’ is. So yes, there is nothing to do to achieve this - but it is not a concept of passivity. A passive ‘doing nothing’ is a kind of ‘doing’ as well- it is an approach. You can’t just ‘do nothing.’ It’s realizing who you are- for once and for all. It’s not even a way of life. It’s an absolute death. Before that death, a seeker tries to do anything possible to get ‘it’: Whatever ‘it’ is believed to be. And great- maybe they’ll become sick and exhausted enough, to realize that the ‘it’ they’re searching for isn’t in all those things they’re chasing. So, vipassanna, other meditations, practices, therapy- all of that is great for seekers who need to tire themselves out! And there is a kind of maturing that happens. You go down one path and see for yourself that ‘it’s not that.’, then another until you get exhausted with all paths. This recognition of who You really are, is seeing that there has never been a path.

Relationship to pain
I was quite touched by the autobiographical honesty in your book, where for example, in a section entitled ‘Raw open wound,’ you write that there are now no filters blocking off painful or pleasant feelings. You seemed to be saying in the last meeting I attended, that feelings come, maybe very strongly and then go but there is no story of ‘who’ they happen to.

There are also no rules, so sometimes there’s a story that plays itself out, but still there’s no idea of this being ‘my story.’ There may be the thoughts and words of the story, but it’s never mine - never ‘my problem’. It’s just, again like watching this 3-D movie. Of a character playing out as if she’s got a problem. But I’m not even doing that watching.

You don’t feel that watching is based in any willful intention on your part?

Well, who? There’s no one in here, to have any will at all.

But- you have done quite a good job of marketing yourself. You’ve got your website, meetings, you’re going to the US, Australia. Wouldn’t you say that involves intentional effort? Or does it just happen?

It depends what we mean by these words, because ‘having an intention’ to go to Australia - just happens. At every level it all just happens. But none of it is happening to me, because there’s never any me ‘in here’. So it is all just happening- down to every thought. Getting an e-mail from someone saying ‘Great that you’re coming’; going to the travel agent… getting on the plane….It’s all just ‘watching a movie’…. It is an absolutely passive observing. If you did try to observe, this seeing which we are talking about, would be observing that.

Relationship to Others

I’ve heard other teachers state that ‘relationships don’t work.’ I once heard Osho remark that he’d never met an unhappy person, but he’d never met a happy relationship. Yet for most people, a workable bond with someone else is in their list of top priorities. So why doesn’t it work?

Obviously some people feel their relationships do work, but the nature of relationships is that they do have ups and downs and that’s what people love- the drama of the ups and downs. Having a fight and then making up is the best bit, isn’t it? But it’s based on the idea of two - two separate people coming together to meet. Being in love is another way of wanting to meet as one. So it’s a kind of an impossible paradox - a terrible paradox in a way because you are absolutely whole, absolute oneness… and yet you play as if you’re a separate, individual, separate from the one you love- and in that, you’re trying to meet and become one with the other. But you’re already one. So the idea of relationship is based in the idea of separation: that you need to ‘come together’ in order to become one. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have relationships. They happen and can be beautiful and playful, wonderful - and also painful - all of it. What goes up must come down! Along with beautiful experiences must come sad ones: that’s life.
The other aspect to relationships is, in the same way that being with a ‘teacher’ can be a trigger to recognise who You really are, so can a relating to another. When there is an absolute ‘falling into’ being with anothe - that’s the same as being with a ‘teacher’. If there’s an absolute surrendering to the other - a dissolving - then that’s what I would like to call true Love. It doesn’t have to be sexual love, or a motherly or fatherly type- there’s no particular type. And it’s also the kind of Love that happens in Satsang meetings. It is all about recognising the surrender that is. Then it doesn’t matter who it is that you surrender to – a lover, a ‘teacher’, the shopkeeper that you buy your milk from… This is being in love with Life.

This is a bit personal but you described some shattering experiences you had, related to being in love. Are you saying that that couldn’t happen to you now because you’re…?

-No I’m not saying that. Anything could happen. There are no rules- I’m not in some kind of ‘state’ that is beyond pain and that depends on certain conditions all being constant. So there are absolutely no rules and whatever happens to this character, Unmani, is irrelevant. There’s an absolute recognition that I’m not this character, who goes through all kinds of dramas- so it doesn’t matter. If I was to look at it in terms of a story in time, I’ve noticed that since this recognition that I’m not this character, slowly, this character has been relaxing into this, being touched by this recognition. You could put that on a time-line and say that it has deepened in time. In the years since I was in India the character has relaxed more and more… and that shows up in relationships and the way I relate to people. My relationships have become more honest and open and less dramatic but that doesn’t mean they will never be dramatic. There are no rules at all. Absolute Freedom has no conditions.

So you haven’t got an expectation about it?

No. Not at all. And if I did, that would be irrelevant. Whatever happens is irrelevant. I am anyway.

(End of interview.)

Unmani’s website where details of her biography and meetings can be found is at http://www.not-knowing.com

Tags: Meditation/Spiritual by sannyasnews
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Surrrender
Devopama reflects

In Poona one, and on the Ranch surrender seemed to imply submission, obedience to authority, doing what you were told. We heard Osho tell the story of the great Tibetan Master Milarepa being made by his master Marpa to build a house and then pull it down, a process repeated several times over. Gurdjieff did the same with his disciples, and I always feel an affinity reading accounts of his ‘Ranch’ at Fontainbleau. I think we Westerners took a long time to gain any understanding of what Osho meant by surrender. Yet Osho could also often be heard talking about freedom, individuality, rebellion even, and this we Western disciples thought was our language. For us No was only too natural. It was saying Yes that was hard, whereas Indian sannyasins found Yes only too easy. This was a difference between East and West Osho commented on several times.

Once I do remember on the Ranch when I acted out my feeling of revolt, of No - and the Ma’s in charge (Dolma and Vidya as I remember) said Yes, and accepted my decision. It was over going back into a Security job and sitting in those little Guard Box huts watching the cars go by. I just could not face the immobility of it, the isolation. I wanted to go out and play with my Survey Crew gang. Afterwards wondering how I had ‘got away’ with my little rebellion in a milieu where submissiveness posing as surrender seemed to be the rule, I attributed it to the totality of my conviction, its purity. Or maybe they could see I was almost about to have a nervous breakdown over it! Afterwards I did feel a great sense of gratitude, of elation, and of freedom.

The incident has stayed with me and thinking about it again nearly thirty years later I realise I’m back in the same predicament. Only this time there is no clear avenue of escape. My Guard Box is a bit bigger and I can cruise around the corridors and garden paths in my electric buggy. But there is no more roaming over hills and vales, going in a car off my ‘Ranch cum Home’, visiting far-flung friends. My companions here are all twenty to thirty years older than my mere seventy. They were all in the Second World War, and between us there is a chasm culturally. They have never experienced that mixing, or even dissolving, of nationalities sannyasins know and celebrate.

I am unmistakeably English, cannot disguise it. But I don’t feel content being back here in England. The English provinces seem so limited in outlook, narrow in their interests. I have always preferred living ‘abroad’, and loved being in America for that reason, a foreign country that spoke my own language (sort of). Gurdjieff could never bear the thought of living in England because of its barbarous food and climate. There is plenty of both where I live.

I can revolt against it - everything that affronts my ego, my conditioned sense of who I am. I do sometimes go and have a scream away from earshot. But there is not much energy in it, and it does not make me feel any better. Alternatively I can ’surrender’ to my situation. Meaning what? How?

Acceptance, watching my mind as it writhes and squirms. There is a looking, an acknowledging of what is going on. Ah, there goes Mrs G again, there goes A’s TV blasting my corridor. Ugh, this must be one of John’s packaged soups. Of course I seek to change what can be changed - TV noise, poor food. We have food meetings, but seemingly simple things can be a big struggle. Getting someone to turn their TV down or close their door is never a matter of a simple request, a ‘please’. It involves a whole diplomatic negotiation with Carers and nurses. Surrendering, accepting is far from passive. In fact as far as I can see I am the most rebellious inmate here, and I chafe at the English placidity of my fellow inmates. They have been too long in the army obeying orders. So just having to live in a Nursing Home is a constant challenge. It is a rather different form of Commune than the ones we have been used to, but it still forces me to be aware of my reactions. Yet it has its own rewards - some of my oldies have been very fine, charitable men, a privilege to have known.

And then there is my disease itself (MS), with its insidious increasingly rapid advance through my brain. Again one can rant and scream out ‘Why me?’ But that is to no avail. Nothing can be done. MS is incurable the medical ‘experts’ tell one. And they are largely right. Yet there are a small number of those whose ‘No’ has brought them victory, a cure. There is a very good cheery magazine solely devoted to alternative treatments MS sufferers have found helpful, even curative. But such cures in most cases involve a fairly restrictive non-saturated fat diet,. This is a major frustration for me here where meat and dairy are the mainstay of every meal. I can’t bring myself to eat what only makes me worse and adds to my lethargy. So I have to negotiate my way round the worst excesses and have regular confabs with the cooks. Sadly for me there are limits to what an institution is willing to do for just one member.

I do have a sense still of hope; it would be another huge step to have to live in this body with absolutely no hope whatsoever of any stabilization or improvement. Remember Osho’s phrase in a different context, ‘hoping against hope’. In First Poona Ma Veet Asho was a good friend. Often I have pondered on her name’s meaning: beyond hope. No hope means no future; just the present however ‘miserable’ that might be. I see people here with my same disease almost completely paralysed, bedridden. They can have no hope, yet they go on living. When passing by their rooms I sometimes stop and marvel, go in and say hello to raise a smile. They must be in a state of complete let-go, physically at least.

All this is the outer, the body with its brain, which I am very aware of all the time because it does not function smoothly. There is no likelihood of going on automatic when almost every movement demands an added effort, almost a conscious decision - to get up, to take a step forward, to spoon soup into my mouth without slopping it all over the place. Most mornings (depending on when I am got up, and if the TV next door is not blaring so early) I manage a half-hour sit, and that can be blissful and is always centering. It is then a question of maintaining that inner awareness, that centred calm as I boogie myself to breakfast and the noise and agro of the day. My meditation is who, what, is doing all this; who is witnessing. And in that comes the surrender, not to anyone in particular though that can be part of it - to angry carers, to poor cooking, to noisy neighbours. Surrender I take in the sense of acceptance. It is like in Vipassana, naming the thoughts as they pass through the mind’s eye. It is neither passive, nor fatalistic. Ah here comes fatigue, inability to focus, TV noise, leg cramps, body spasm. And really that is my day, with some interesting (to my mind’s taste) reading or a radio/TV programme, plus a cruise around the big garden here when it’s sunny.

If fear is there note down that fear is there and accept it. What can you do? Nothing can be done; fear is there. See, if you can just note down the fact that fear is there, where is the fear then? You have accepted it; it has dissolved. Acceptance dissolves; only acceptance, nothing else. If you fight you create another disturbance and this can go on ad infinitum, then there is no end to it….Suppressed, you never experience the thing in its totality, you never gain anything out of it. Wisdom comes through suffering and wisdom comes through acceptance. Whatsoever the case, be at ease with it. [A Bird on the Wing Ch.1]

Just accepting a quiet, pretty reclusive life. Is there joy in this? Not much elation; but neither am I depressed. I don’t need Prozac thank you. It’s not a life’s ending I would have chosen. I don’t recommend it as a meditation, I’m sure there are easier ways. And yet… others with MS are much worse - I see them bedridden in my Home, let alone worse chronic diseases. Stephen Hawking paralysed in his computerised wheelchair is a celebrity case. But it is not a question of comparisons.

My situation is a wonderful one for inner work, for awareness. I feel it gives me depth, a lovely Osho word. I don’t have to busy myself looking after shopping, cooking, earning/managing money affairs - a decent enough Home with fine grounds is provided free. It is such an opportunity to go in. And that is so exciting and challenging, an adventure to embark on time and time again. To watch this mind and keep looking for that elusive Self within it, hiding away asking to be revealed. Ah this, and this, and this.

Would I say yes to a cure? Of course, and I do keep hoping - my latest is appropriately called Esperanza! But - meanwhile I practice acceptance. Accepting now and here brings in the Present moment, the only one there is.

(This article first appeared in Viha Connection Magazine)

Tags: Meditation/Spiritual by sannyasnews
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One especially grey day in January, I received a post card of a sun drenched beach with scenery to die for. The card said, you really should visit Pacha Mama at least one time in this life, its really a kind of paradise here. The card was from a close friend, that I made music with when I lived in Germany, who has been living at Pacha Mama since its beginning, around 8 years ago.

It took me around 4 years before I went. I wasn’t at all keen on visiting a community headed up by Tyohar and run by a bunch of young Israelis, but I completely trusted my friend and knew I would go there one day. So it was two years ago that I first I visited. Pacha Mama is a community village in the jungle referred to as the forest to those who live there. It’s in the Nosara region of Costa Rica. And I have to say, it is amazing! It is such a beautiful place. People there are very sweet and human. And after my second visit, I can say it is just one of the best places on this earth to visit right now. The nature in Costa Rica is stunning. I especially loved the coloured birds of all shapes and varieties.

The Pacha Mama project left me in awe, the people, the place, nature, energy, music and the intention for the place are amazing. One night Tyohar ran a disco. I have been running Shamanic Trance Dance for quite some time and this was really resonating with me. There is something about the way he chooses the music and creates an atmosphere which is very magical.

This year, when I returned, towards the end of my stay there was a full moon party with Tyohar as DJ. I’m stuck for words to describe how good it was – I would never have imagined myself to have such a good time – dancing for hours on end. It was really a Pow-Wow. I have had bad knees and foot for a while and probably the longest I’ve danced in the last 3 years is around 2 hours in one go. I would not have thought I could do it and in the blazing hot sun too. Tyohar really is a Cosmic DJ. He leads people into a mystical trance space in such an expert way. For me (and many others of course) on the Shamanic level, Pacha Mama and the parties with Tyohar, really hit the spot.

And on a healing level, it’s probably one of the healthiest spaces in the world to be. The food is delicious. There is a restaurant there where the food is mostly organic and a lot of raw food is available. They also have a café called Wild Treats where they make raw snacks, sweets and drinks, all at very reasonable prices which are simply scrumptious. Instead of coffee in the morning, you can order a Cacao Shot made from Cacao beans (raw chocolate), tasting very chocolaty and delicious but with the added bonus of being tremendously good for you whilst waking you up! Both years I have done a Noni Juice Cleanse which has helped me loose weight and stay healthy. This year I also did a Raw Food and Yoga workshop plus a Tibetan Buddhist Vipassana Retreat, after which the party was very welcome! There’s also a sweat lodge where they have regular ceremonies.

The people who have been there since the beginning have built beautiful houses – the aesthetics of the place is very high. There is such a natural grace there – people really living in tune with nature.

Osho is also honored there which I found very refreshing as many “enlightened” teachers who have been with Osho before seem to disown him. Not so at Pacha Mama where they have built a huge marble hall called the Osho Hall where most of the daily meditations take place. Every evening there is an hour of silence where many people meet to sit in the hall and meditate. Osho’s enlightenment day and birthday are celebrated.

Music is another feature high on the list of priorities there and my friends, Kabir and Gitama who I had gone to visit, have made a music studio and produced a Pacha Mama C.D. which is very beautiful. They also run singing groups where many people have found a new confidence in singing and new creative projects have happened through Kabir and Gitama’s enthusiasm and patience.

Accommodation for guests is mostly in spacious wooden huts called Casitas and you can be on your own to enjoy the nature. There is plenty of space.

An idyllic beach is nearby. They arrange transport for guests in the “beach bus”.

This year Tyohar has stopped giving satsangs and is generally having a break, though I understand he is still doing a few full moon parties

If you want to visit, I would recommend a look at their website first to see when you want to go and what kind of activities are on offer. The rainy season is in our summer but there is also a few weeks in August when it is dry.

Ma Deva Archan

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Tags: Meditation/Spiritual, Zorba by archan
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